Thank you so much for this. A stroke 8 years ago left me emotionally fragile when friends in a church craft group no longer wanted me and sought to get rid of me, going so far as to filing a police report when I accidentally touched an audio Bible app one Sunday (which I scrambled to silence in about 5 seconds). I eventually was trespassed for the sake of these women, moved 800 miles and brought all the pain with me. Little did I know that PTSD is cumulative and escalates with each incident of rejection. I've been kicked out of three more churches and have found that large, affluent churches are NOT the place for broken people. The last church got rid of me when I came in after a serious car accident to ask for prayer and was turned down. (I had been refused prayer just a few weeks earlier by the pastor of community care, so I fell apart). Heaven forbid that a person is suicidal in a church like that. You're accused of manipulation, acting like an adolescent (I'm 68 and had a 30 year career in Christian radio and BSF leadership). The stigma, the shunning (I have NO IDEA what I did that could not be forgiven), the harshness (one elders stood up, pointed his finger at me and said, "You're unstable." as an accusation, not an observation. I was trespassed and shunned. That's the tip of the ice berg. Lonely? You can't imagine.. My family consists of a dog and a brother who has taught in China for 34 years. I have three friends here, and many back in MN but I can't afford to move back there and the pain is still pretty intense there too. People are cruel. And they are the hands and feet of Christ - so can I assume they are reflecting God's heart towards me. We're talking FOUR churches (staff and elders).
Last night I listened to a podcast re: the most recent fallen evangelical Reformed leader. My beliefs are Calvinist, but I no longer want to identify as such. There is no grace. There is no mercy. Facts aren't even known yet and people on the side bar were so cruel, so quick to condemn and asking questions like, "Is he even a Christian?" Because he sinned???? He has already repented. But the side bar was FILLED with slander and harsh judgment. It made me absolutely sick. Of COURSE there are consequences to ministry when serious moral sin is confessed, but to question the person's salvation and tear them to shreds. My heart was absolutely broken. I sin every day. I know I do. I have a sinful nature and no, not all sin is a "slip up". Some is repetitive and even planned. I'm not an elder or leader, but I am not allowed to worship They returned all my financial offerings and will not pray for me. Is it any wonder I want to die? Yet to admit that just makes the labeling and stigma worse. I cannot find grace. I simply cannot find it. So I isolate and probably will, for my remaining years. My life has been shattered and it all started with a group of my best friends (I thought) who no longer wanted me in a craft group.
But this loneliness we feel is not a flaw. We aren’t lonely because something is wrong with us. We are lonely because something is right with us.
Any loneliness we feel reflects the image of our Triune, communal God within us, calling us to connect, to know and be known, to love and be loved, to befriend and be befriended. Loneliness urges the withdrawn self to engage. It calls the online persona to become a person again. It invites the impostor to find healing through authenticity.
Yes!!! and Amen!!! I’ve found, thanks to Father GOD, that it’s ourselves we have to make friends with first. To know who we really are without JESUS, and recognize our desperate need for a savior.
After 40 plus years of Pastoral ministry in 2 churches and several interims I retired. At age 74 my wife and I have found that most of our friendships revolved around our parishioners. Once we left they moved on in their respective lives and friendships. It’s been disorienting and we are in fact two lonely people.
Oh I feel this…30 years of pastoral ministry and my husband and I experience something similar. As we reflect over the years we recognize our deepest relationships came from fellow ministry teammates at a previous church.. It is very disorienting and while I can offer no recommendations, know that you are not alone. Ministry can be a very lonely place.
Can I offer a way out of your dilemma? I have got involved with an organization called the Legacy Coalition which exists to encourage intentional Christian grandparenting. I have melded my involvement there with my volunteer involvement with Kids On Track, a faith-based outreach to kids and their families in the community. Volunteering with KOT as a “grand-friend” is very fulfilling. If you need any help, I would be happy to connect. Look me up on Substack or email me directly at Wordbased@hotmail.com
Thank you so much for this. A stroke 8 years ago left me emotionally fragile when friends in a church craft group no longer wanted me and sought to get rid of me, going so far as to filing a police report when I accidentally touched an audio Bible app one Sunday (which I scrambled to silence in about 5 seconds). I eventually was trespassed for the sake of these women, moved 800 miles and brought all the pain with me. Little did I know that PTSD is cumulative and escalates with each incident of rejection. I've been kicked out of three more churches and have found that large, affluent churches are NOT the place for broken people. The last church got rid of me when I came in after a serious car accident to ask for prayer and was turned down. (I had been refused prayer just a few weeks earlier by the pastor of community care, so I fell apart). Heaven forbid that a person is suicidal in a church like that. You're accused of manipulation, acting like an adolescent (I'm 68 and had a 30 year career in Christian radio and BSF leadership). The stigma, the shunning (I have NO IDEA what I did that could not be forgiven), the harshness (one elders stood up, pointed his finger at me and said, "You're unstable." as an accusation, not an observation. I was trespassed and shunned. That's the tip of the ice berg. Lonely? You can't imagine.. My family consists of a dog and a brother who has taught in China for 34 years. I have three friends here, and many back in MN but I can't afford to move back there and the pain is still pretty intense there too. People are cruel. And they are the hands and feet of Christ - so can I assume they are reflecting God's heart towards me. We're talking FOUR churches (staff and elders).
Last night I listened to a podcast re: the most recent fallen evangelical Reformed leader. My beliefs are Calvinist, but I no longer want to identify as such. There is no grace. There is no mercy. Facts aren't even known yet and people on the side bar were so cruel, so quick to condemn and asking questions like, "Is he even a Christian?" Because he sinned???? He has already repented. But the side bar was FILLED with slander and harsh judgment. It made me absolutely sick. Of COURSE there are consequences to ministry when serious moral sin is confessed, but to question the person's salvation and tear them to shreds. My heart was absolutely broken. I sin every day. I know I do. I have a sinful nature and no, not all sin is a "slip up". Some is repetitive and even planned. I'm not an elder or leader, but I am not allowed to worship They returned all my financial offerings and will not pray for me. Is it any wonder I want to die? Yet to admit that just makes the labeling and stigma worse. I cannot find grace. I simply cannot find it. So I isolate and probably will, for my remaining years. My life has been shattered and it all started with a group of my best friends (I thought) who no longer wanted me in a craft group.
Excellent. I especially liked these lines:
But this loneliness we feel is not a flaw. We aren’t lonely because something is wrong with us. We are lonely because something is right with us.
Any loneliness we feel reflects the image of our Triune, communal God within us, calling us to connect, to know and be known, to love and be loved, to befriend and be befriended. Loneliness urges the withdrawn self to engage. It calls the online persona to become a person again. It invites the impostor to find healing through authenticity.
This is so good, Scott. Thanks for sharing, brother!
Yes!!! and Amen!!! I’ve found, thanks to Father GOD, that it’s ourselves we have to make friends with first. To know who we really are without JESUS, and recognize our desperate need for a savior.
After 40 plus years of Pastoral ministry in 2 churches and several interims I retired. At age 74 my wife and I have found that most of our friendships revolved around our parishioners. Once we left they moved on in their respective lives and friendships. It’s been disorienting and we are in fact two lonely people.
Oh I feel this…30 years of pastoral ministry and my husband and I experience something similar. As we reflect over the years we recognize our deepest relationships came from fellow ministry teammates at a previous church.. It is very disorienting and while I can offer no recommendations, know that you are not alone. Ministry can be a very lonely place.
Can I offer a way out of your dilemma? I have got involved with an organization called the Legacy Coalition which exists to encourage intentional Christian grandparenting. I have melded my involvement there with my volunteer involvement with Kids On Track, a faith-based outreach to kids and their families in the community. Volunteering with KOT as a “grand-friend” is very fulfilling. If you need any help, I would be happy to connect. Look me up on Substack or email me directly at Wordbased@hotmail.com
The core of our faith, our freedom, our love for others is to know we are the beloved of God. Help us believe, LORD!
It is a beautiful thing to be real, seeing Jesus right here with us - loving us all! Thanks, Scott, for these good words ;)
Samuel D James says we should seek more friends in person rather than followers on social media....I agree.